birds! a lot of birds! I hate birds!

note: this has little to no inspiration factor!

I'm writing while waiting for my psychiatrist appointment so I can get... drum roll... new medications!

I'm scared a little, to be honest. while on my mission, I had to get on meds and the meds did NOT get on me.

actually, we hated each other.

you know when you eat bad sushi and then you can't stand the sight of it after you've spent all night barfing it up?

meds are my bad sushi, per say. that, and I'm really hanging on these to work.

it kind of feels like a weird "you're not capable so here's a pill" deal. it's really not that, but sue me if my brain goes there instead of "hey good job there Gracie for not being able to function normally". I'm not an instinctually soft person with myself. like I don't give myself free gold stars l, but I'm learning to. I'm learning to stick em on my forehead and pretend to feel good about it until I actually feel good about me again.

loving yourself is messssy af work. one day you're going to bed at 9 and getting a full 9 hours of sleep and then BANG YOU STAY UP UNTIL 4 AM BECAUSE THERE ARE ACTUAL BIRDS CHIRPING OUTSIDE.  they are AWAKE. they are YELLING about the sun that hasn't even RISEN.

I'm filing a complaint with God as soon as I make a justifiable argument to eradicate only those birds who were having what seemed like a hugely important bird meeting and they wanted us involved for some reason. it actually felt more of an F YOU than a meeting. like these birds had it out for me.

( I had a strong urge to flip them the bird. but, I realized, they are birds and wouldn't really understand what that meant. why do they call it flipping the bird if birds don't understand that they are incredibly obnoxious and need to be quiet when you raise your middle finger at them in the middle of the night? in this Ted talk I will-)

anyway, sometimes you stay up until 4 am and then you just walk through your day unchained to your body and your mind is a mess but the right thing to do is love yourself, i guess, through it all? I don't want to. the easy choice would be to say, "you suck dude. this sucks SUCKS. BLAH BLAH BLAH."

TOTAL CLARITY: a lot of the times I don't choose love but hey what the heck.

WELL I'm tired of that stuff. I'm done with staying stuck, even if progress feels like I'm wading through the horse crap I've collected for fun.

and it does, most days.

but apparently these meds can help that horse crap turn into water, and I'll swim again instead of stinking.

so cheers to my new medicine that sounds like Pitosin but definitely is not and also sleeping meds.

and fun
and new puzzles
and jobs.

you got this, friends.

if I, the slightly psychotic, depressed 75 year old woman, have it, you've got it.

or maybe you don't and that's ok, too. just don't let the birds keep you up any longer than they have.