coming home.

"well, you will come to regret this in time."

my mission president says this to me on the phone and i respond blandly and hang up.


i am coming home.


it has been almost 4 months since I left home to serve a mission for the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. it was anticipated by my family, friends, and i that I would be serving for 18 months.

i am sitting in the living room of a member family whose home feels like home.

the cushions of the warm leather couch are familiar. nothing feels old or calm or recollectory, but this moment is because i am sitting on a couch that is dark and soft -- this is healing. if i can sit here and not hear and just listen, this will be healing.



and that's what i do:

and then i listen and then i leave.




           fast forward 4 days,

i discover there are more options than running from myself:


i find out i have to be alone until i feel like a friend again


and that hasn't happened yet,

     but i continue to trust it will.



 i am hurting and anguishing, but i ask God over and over to not give up on me,
 because maybe He will let me know it isn't forever.

sometimes it has felt like it will be around forever, this sad; that it'll stick to my ribs and to my face and to my heart and i won't be able to get it off. maybe that's why i keep praying -- so that He can tell me it won't.


but i have a feeling it will. and not in a way that will pinch me by the ears until i move no further. but in the way of the Scars. in the way of the Reminders.


i am scared.
and somehow, that is ok.

i have writing and God and Jesus and my parents and my family. i have walks around the block and i have Lauren Daigle.

and,

i have me.






i didn't leave to run--

           i left because i couldn't stay.


i didn't leave to avoid fear --

            i left because fear was quickly becoming my replacement God. 


i didn't leave because i wanted to --

           i left because i was sick.








returning home early hurts and these writings are my healing.

i will speak of Jesus and healing here
i will speak of grace
and of hope.

i will speak of Love,
and the mighty, changing power of it.



but most importantly,
i will speak of God --

and how He is a God of mountains
and
mustard seeds.



i am grateful you are here to listen.